I am happy, like for the first time in my life I have what I want. I have the drive to pursue an artistic outlet. Yet... I don't know, there is something nagging at my, what should i call it... my mind, my heart, my soul? I dont know what is wrong but i feel like i dont deserve the happiness that i have found. I dont deserve to be happy? And then i come to the realization. I dont. I could go into the details as to why i dont deserve to be happy but then, someone would try and tell me that i do deserve to be happy. i appreciate everyone trying to help me fight the terrible feelings that well up inside of me, but you just dont understand the things that i have done. Many of which are unforgivable. Even if those who i wronged think they have forgiven me, in the pit of their being they haven't. Its just not in human nature to be forgiving. When you hurt someone it stays with you until you forget the person exists. And when you think about the person on a random happenstance you remember the things they did to you and you know you wont truly forgive them. Emotional scars will remain even if they are buried in years of forgetting, when they surface they are still just as painful as they once were. and this is why i am conflicted. because i have wronged too many people in my life, planted rosebushes and burned bridges.
I am happy. but i am also in pain.

When you stab someone in the heart, you stab yourself a hundred times over. You just dont know it yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------